The Blocking Power of Fear

Potentially I may have a big decision to make soon that could change my path in life. Funny......a few weeks ago, I was sure that this change in path would be a positive move. Now, as the time to concrete that decision, or not, draws ever closer.....a whole wave of Fear has arisen from nowhere. This has simply blocked my ability to rationalise, to think objectively and subjectively.....has given rise to the "what if" and so forth.

There are many positives about saying yes to this path change......many. However, one of the negatives I just cannot get out of my mind. Saying yes to this career and life change would mean changing country, and city. The city I have lived in before.......and when I was there recently I realised how much I still do not miss it......and it brought up the question.....could I be happy living there again? Also what concerns me is the attitude of the locals to people of my sexuality. Has their attitude moved on? Two years ago I was back on a visit and made fun of in a bar......and while I laughed it off......I must admit that deep down it hurt. I am human after all. Where I live now.......people are not bothered in the slightest.....for which I now appreciate the freedom of mind that gives me when I walk down the street or into a bar.

So what do I do? To move would mean reunification with my family and some dear Friends.....and it would be joyous to be near them again. Also I would have the prospect of a good new career direction, with a very very reputable global company. The one big big problem........is the city where this job is located.......can I live there again AND be happy? My heart and my head are swinging constantly from both directions......and overall I admit that in my mind and psyche there is a huge fear about going......or even about not going. How can I be sure that I am making the correct decision? To quote a saying from the beautiful film "The Way" which a dear Friend recommended to me...."You do not choose a life, you live it." So how can I be sure that I am not choosing a life because it seems the correct thing to do.....rather than choosing a life because that is the one that I want to live!? My heart and my head is so confused......and I am hoping for the fog to lift soon. I realise also, that sometimes in life you must take a risk.....jump off the cliff and not take the safe option all of the time.... Why? Because by not taking risks......life can become stagnant.....black and white.......where you wake up one day and realise ten years have passed in the blink of an eye. Making the decision to move to where I currently live nearly broke my heart......but I have never regretted it looking back. Is it now time for history to repeat itself?