Jump off the cliff......or not?

I am sure we have all heard the phrase regarding how sometimes you need to jump off the cliff.....jump into the unknown so as to take a risk/leap of faith etc so as to change your life, with the hope that that change would be for the better. However, what if NOT jumping is the more risky option?

Just a week ago, I was faced with a life changing decision. One option would be new job, "new" country. The other option no job, same country. Which to take? A new job and "new" country in a sense to me was to jump from the cliff, the other to not jump. In a very strange way, not jumping proved to be of greater risk.

To jump would have been into the unknown.....not knowing if the job, company and country was the right option for my happiness and well being. Such a decision I have made previously in my life....and it was the right decision. So why not this time? Because this time, for various reasons, the feeling was that I would not be jumping into such a decision....rather.....a force was trying to push me over the cliff.....i.e. a decision against my instinct and gut feeling.

Some might say that this push feeling is more a fear, afraid to jump. In this case, you would not be right. In fact, the fear feeling I had was in fact to not jump and therefore remain unemployed......not knowing when I will get a job or what kind a job I would find. Fear also of staying in a country which would force me to change my life in ways that may or may not lead to greater happiness. Staying on this path in fact posed a greater risk, it brings about a greater leap of faith as rather than jumping and "falling" into a new life, I must now walk a path unknown and face whatever challenges it brings. To walk away from the cliff edge this time, is to acknowledge that this path has not yet come to an end, that this path I continue on come what may.....until I am sure that it has come to its natural end.

It goes to show that in life, we all have an inner indicator, a gut feeling as it were, which we must learn to listen to.....so that we can know when it is our gut feeling that is speaking to us, and not fear. To learn to trust oneself, to trust in our own truth and have faith in our decisions and convictions.

The Blocking Power of Fear

Potentially I may have a big decision to make soon that could change my path in life. Funny......a few weeks ago, I was sure that this change in path would be a positive move. Now, as the time to concrete that decision, or not, draws ever closer.....a whole wave of Fear has arisen from nowhere. This has simply blocked my ability to rationalise, to think objectively and subjectively.....has given rise to the "what if" and so forth.

There are many positives about saying yes to this path change......many. However, one of the negatives I just cannot get out of my mind. Saying yes to this career and life change would mean changing country, and city. The city I have lived in before.......and when I was there recently I realised how much I still do not miss it......and it brought up the question.....could I be happy living there again? Also what concerns me is the attitude of the locals to people of my sexuality. Has their attitude moved on? Two years ago I was back on a visit and made fun of in a bar......and while I laughed it off......I must admit that deep down it hurt. I am human after all. Where I live now.......people are not bothered in the slightest.....for which I now appreciate the freedom of mind that gives me when I walk down the street or into a bar.

So what do I do? To move would mean reunification with my family and some dear Friends.....and it would be joyous to be near them again. Also I would have the prospect of a good new career direction, with a very very reputable global company. The one big big problem........is the city where this job is located.......can I live there again AND be happy? My heart and my head are swinging constantly from both directions......and overall I admit that in my mind and psyche there is a huge fear about going......or even about not going. How can I be sure that I am making the correct decision? To quote a saying from the beautiful film "The Way" which a dear Friend recommended to me...."You do not choose a life, you live it." So how can I be sure that I am not choosing a life because it seems the correct thing to do.....rather than choosing a life because that is the one that I want to live!? My heart and my head is so confused......and I am hoping for the fog to lift soon. I realise also, that sometimes in life you must take a risk.....jump off the cliff and not take the safe option all of the time.... Why? Because by not taking risks......life can become stagnant.....black and white.......where you wake up one day and realise ten years have passed in the blink of an eye. Making the decision to move to where I currently live nearly broke my heart......but I have never regretted it looking back. Is it now time for history to repeat itself?